Thursday, May 22, 2008

Of love and sorrow

I'm feeling very blessed lately. Monday, I started working a part-time job at the movie theater here. I know, how very high school of me, but it was literally one of the only night jobs I could think of. Plus, they pay well, which is still weird to me. I'm working mostly with young kids, but there are a few other young moms around my age. They let me work whatever hours I want, and my hope is to pay down my previous school bill over the summer before I incur more debt. So far it's super easy, absolutely no stress involved.

Back to the blessed part. Although I've only worked a totaly of two nights, it has made me feel very strong emotions about being away from my kids. I haven't worked outside our house since about three months into my pregnancy with C and A. I have always been with them, unless it's my choice to be gone for a few hours. Although I will have to give up three or four nights a week with Carl, I still see the kids during the day and suddenly I am really treasuring my time with them. It's so weird; I feel like they're going to grow up when I turn my back. They are all growing so much, and it makes me sad and happy and proud all at the same time.

I think I'm feeling the reality of trying to live in the moment. You know, not always wishing ahead to something different. I am horrible about this - always thinking that just around the corner is easy street, happiness, contentment. But that's so not true, which of course I know, but I am starting to really feel it, too. I feel able to look at my babies and realize that this time I have with them will be gone all too soon. Before I know it, we won't have lots of quiet evenings together. Well, maybe not quiet, but uneventful, nowhere to go, nothing pressing other than baths, stories, snuggling, and bedtime. Rather than be bored or frustrated with it, I want to breathe it in, savor it, relish this sweet time in our lives. Not just because they will be grown before I know it, but because you never know which day could be your last.

I heard on the radio this morning that Steven Curtis Chapman, a Christian singer, had had his 5 year old daughter killed yesterday. His 16 year old son didn't see her when she was playing in the driveway with other children and ran over her with the family's SUV. It was a complete accident, but I still can't even fathom what they're going through. I just broke down and cried as I listened to the news. That poor, poor boy; how will he cope with such a thing.

This all the more cemented my feelings of thankfulness for my own children. It's so easy to take things for granted, especially the things that are the closest to you, which in turn are usually the most important to you as well.

Speaking of important things, I think I'm going to head off to take a little nap. One downfall of movie theater work, (and probably one reason it's mostly kids who are out of school in the summer) is that it is a very late night job. Indiana Jones started at 12:01 am and I didn't get home until 1:30, so I'm beat. Hopefully I can get a little sleep in before the kids wake from their nap!


Becky said...

I feel this way every single day.
What a sad and awful story about Chapman.

aola said...

Oh, that is a horrible thing to have happen but it sure makes you think about life and how precious it is, doesn't it?

Kelli said...

Yup, it totally gives you perspective when you hear of something like that. So sad, but also so good to be reminded of how good life can be!

cv said...

At least they had 5 wonderful years with her, and she had a family that adopted her and loved her and gave her a life she would not have had otherwise.

I'm reminded of one of my favorite movies, Steel Magnolias

"I'd rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than I lifetime of nothing special."

Love your people every day.

Kristen said...

I'm like that to, always striving for the next thing. Really working to live in the moment as well!

Been thinking about the Chapmans as well...

Sandra said...

I watched "P.S. I Love You" yesterday and one of the lines goes something like this.

She Says: I keep waiting for our life to start.

He Says: Our life has started. We're living it every day.

Your post reminded me of that line. I find myself dreaming of what will be instead of taking advantage of what is. I don't want to wake up one day to find that I've missed all the good stuff while I was dreaming of something different.