Thursday, August 21, 2008


Last night, Carl feel asleep in the recliner, and I left him. He loves to sleep in that stupid chair, and I normally wake him and make him head to bed, feeling that he doesn't get very good sleep out in the chair, but last night I just left him. 

I was looking through my new copy of Parents magazine when I heard weird noises coming from the kids' bedroom. I listened at the door, and realized it was Caden. He has a stuffy nose, and was crying and sounding as if he was having a little trouble breathing. I decided to sneak into their room, grab him and his blankey, and bring him into our room with me. He just snuggled down onto my chest, so relaxed to be held. We sat that way for quite a while. It was so precious, so needed. Ever since the twins have become toddlers, they are so busy, always on the go, and rarely want to take the time to just snuggle with me. 

With the twins, I've always felt like we have a different relationship than most mother/child relationships. I have never really known why, but have always speculated that it has something to do with them spending their first several months of life in the NICU, and from not getting to really bond with them right away. We definitely didn't have an instantaneous bond from the get-go. It's sort of like the bond has been forming, growing, evolving over the last 2 1/2 years. I mean, it's not like I don't love them, because I totally do. I'd do anything for them... but it has definitely taken some time to feel the way I want to feel with them. As I sat holding Caden last night, all big and boyish and sprawled out across my chest, I was hit with the reality of the strength of my emotions concerning him. How thankful I am for him, how precious his little life is... the remembering of him nearly not making it during his first days of life, and realizing how speechlessly thankful I am that he did make it. How special each day is with each of my children, how beyond lucky I felt to have that moment with him. After a little while, I set him down on the bed next to me, and he smiled up at me and said "Mama's Bed!". I told him he could stay in Mama's bed if he would be a quiet little boy and go to sleep. So I turned out my lamp, put my arm over him, and watched as he sucked his thumb, caressed his blankey, and went to sleep. Now, that may not seem significant to you, but you have to realize: THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE. NEVER. EVER. Caden ONLY sleeps in his bed. Maybe in a play yard when we're away, but at home, ONLY IN HIS CRIB. So to get to spend that time with him, and then watch him sleep so peacefully right next to me, well, let's just say it made my week. Those are the moments that make motherhood worth all the chaos and rotten, crazy days. Sigh. These days are going by so fast. I can't believe I've been a mother for 2 1/2 years. Where did the time go? I hope I can learn to really enjoy this time in my life, even the hard moments. Last night gave me hope!

Although, I should add that at around 4:30 am Carl woke me up to ask me why Caden was staring at him in the living room. I guess he had gotten up and made his way out the living room, and was quite delighted to find his Daddy asleep out there. He took great pleasure in waking him up and announcing his presence! So although he spent the remainder of his night in his own bed, the first several hours were so priceless.


Nancy and Tom said...

When Tom and I got to watch the kids on that Monday you were coming back from Portland, Caden woke at about 7:15 and I got him out of the bedroom before he woke the girls. He snuggled with me in the rocker for about 45 minutes. He didn't even notice Grandpa was doing paperwork at the table and demand to color. He was so sweet. Then he ended up taking a longer morning nap than the girls. They were all terrific that weekend.


Cara said...

What a wonderful passage to read. I don't often miss being a mother but this made me do so. I'm glad that you got this wonderful few hours, and that you had the time to write about it so eloquently here.

One day, when you are very busy and stressed; I'll remind you to come and read it.

Becky said...

mmm . . . those are the best moments when I want to breathe it all in.