Friday, June 06, 2008

There are some days when I must admit that the thought of auctioning my children off on eBay seems very appealing to me. This entire week has been one long string of days in which I imagine how wonderful it will be when they are grown, when the screaming days are over, when everyone has their teeth, is out of diapers and has nice, smooth, rash free butts. These feelings are quickly followed by exreme guilt, of course, because what kind of mother am I?! Who resents their childrens' presence in their life? Well, me, apparently.

I haven't felt this way for quite some time now; in fact, not since the night-time feeding days, which ended months ago. So I must say, I was rather shocked at the horrible thoughts that have been roaming around in my head this week. Shocked, and very disappointed. I really had thought that my days of feeling overwhelmed by my children were over. I have realized that sadly, they are not, and maybe never will. Maybe that's just part of being a parent.

Today was much better, thank goodness. Another good point to bring up is the fact that I haven't blogged the last several days. Be thankful you haven't had to read a play by play of the inner workings of my mind - you would be scarred for life.

I had my pre-kid-wake-up cup of coffee, and was in a much better fram of mind when I got the kids up. Our day hasn't been perfect, but oh so much better than the rest of our week! I always come out of my bad moods feeling guilty over my attitude, but also very thankful that I have my three beautiful babies, despite the hard times.

I am cleaning a friends' lake cabin on Saturdays throughout the summer, plus working at the theater tomorrow night, so it's a busy weekend. I am enjoying my time at home tonight. We're having homemade pizza for dinner, and I rented ps I love you for later. I'm so much more appreciative of my time at home now! Oh, also, I was promoted to a supervisory position at work a few days ago. Better pay, plus a little authority over the many punks I work with, so that's a plus. My boss actually talked to me about whether or not I'd be interested in the assistant manager position, so we'll see what happens. I'm still surprised at how well they pay us, so any bump up in the salary area makes me very happy. Definitely makes it more beneficial to work a few evenings here and there. Although, it's still hard for me to be chipper in the mornings with the kids when I don't get to sleep until 1 a.m. but I'm getting used to it.

Btw, Sex and the City was every bit as good as I'd hoped. A couple of the girls that went with us had never watched the show, and still loved it. I had very high expectations for it, and it lived up to every single one of them, so I highly recommend seeing it. I cried somewhere around 7 times. Happy and sad crying. Which means a very good movie, for me!

Hope everyone has a good weekend!


cv said...

My mother often says "I've been depressed since the baby was born..."

people invariably ask "How old is the baby?"

"She's 42"

I think that every day you go to bed and you haven't used your kids for stew is a good day.

I hope that you can take small bits of time to regain your sanity, even just for a few moments.

Kristen said...

Cara cracks me up. :) Seriously, I think every mom thinks this way from time to time!

Congrats on the job promotion! I loved PS I Love You, how did you like it?

aola said...

sounds like you are really busy... no wonder you feel like you do some days.

Becky said...

hey, this sounds like my weekend. . . i said awful things this weekend about running away to wyoming. i hate wyoming but sam was channeling gremlins that scream and hit me. i hate that more than wyoming.

you, we, have a lot on our plates. our kids won't die from occasional grumpiness.

of course you're getting promoted! you'll be running the whole thing soon. :)

Sandra said...

Every mom feels this way. Even those that won't admit it. Sometimes, I want to send Erin away to an eternal science camp and she is 12!

Take time for you and don't be too hard on yourself. You're a good mom.

Becky said...

he, he, he - eternal science camp is funny

Anonymous said...

You certainly aren't alone thinking such things about your children!! But probably getting to bed at 1am isn't helping...?

Kelli said...

Thank you all for the encouraging comments. It always helps to know that other mothers have felt the same way! Raising children is definitely the hardest thing that I've ever faced. But also the most rewarding. Funny how life works that way, isn't it?

Also, as far as getting to bed at 1am, well, that's just part of the package of working when I can so that I don't have to put my children in daycare. I am so thankful that I can leave the kids with Carl. Not just so that they don't have to be left with a stranger, but also because it would never be cost efficient for me to work with them in daycare. At least not until I finish school and have a better paying job! Until then, this is what's working for us.