Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Valleys

Life can be so disappointing sometimes. A few years back, a family that my family had been friends with for a number of years told us that "God told them to stop being friends with us." Now, I won't even go into my opinion on that phrase, other than to say that I don't have a whole lot of respect for them anymore. The hard part was, these people were like a second family to me, yet they would hear of nothing to do with any type of reconciliation. I still cannot even think about it for longer than 2 seconds without becoming steaming mad at them. It hurt me so much to think that we, I, meant so little to them that they could just write me off like that. We have'nt heard from them since, and it's been five years now.

I bring that up because I've been feeling very let down by people lately. It's so hard when someone you really love/trust/depend on/look up to lets you down. Whenever this happens, I feel hurt/sad/disappointed/confused by whatever the issue is, but at the same time, I feel guilty for feeling that way. I don't want to put such high expectations on someone that they couldn't possibly live up to them even with their most sincer efforts. I also don't want to be judgmental when someone doesn't live up to the ideals I have set for them, because I certainly haven't lived up to what I expect from others in my own life. I have done plenty of disappointing, letting down, hurting, confusing etc. as well as made plenty of poor choices. But the thing is, that doesn't change how it makes me feel when it happens to me.

I think there are often people in our lives that seem to us to be above reproach. You know, someone who seems ultimately dependable, always understanding, constantly encouraging, a great role model... But at some point, if you view someone in such a way, they are bound to fail you. NO ONE can live up to some of the expectations that I tend to put on people! I just don't handle disappointment very well, I guess.

I want to love the people in my life regardless of the choices they make. I want to be there for them no matter where they are in life, no matter how hard it is for me to deal with some of the yuckiness, for lack of a better word, that is humanity. Sometimes when confronted with others' troubles, others' sin, others' crap, I just want to bury my head. I don't want my view of the people that I love to change. I want them to remain untainted in my mind.

But that's not reality, is it... Reality is being there when you can see someone walking into a valley of shadows and death, when you watch someone destroy their potential, when you watch someone slip back into the mire. Being there for them right where they are, right when they are at they're worst. Not waiting until they get things together, not waiting til you get to say "I told you so", not berating them with every step.

This life is so full of bumps, bruises, pain. Even when things are smooth within your own little world, you can be so affected by others' trials. But I am trying to learn how to be a support, a shoulder, an anchor; how to look pain and suffering in the eye rather than turn away in fear, in uncertainty. I am trying to remember how to draw on the strength I find in quiet time's with God, so that I can even attempt to handle these things. Even more then trying to remember, I am trying to learn in a new way.

Tomorrow's a new day.

5 comments:

Becky said...

thoughtful, wise post.
and your comments on mine made me want to hug you . . . long distance

Kristen said...

I echo everything Becky said. It's amazing how much grace we've been extended--and how much we have to extend, isn't it?

Apparently God breaks up a lot of couples and relationships, too--must be fun for him or something? (How many times have you heard, "God told me we shouldn't be together" as a get-out-of-relationship free card?)

Sandra said...

The crazy thing about people is that they have the power to love and to hurt in equal measure.
It's so hard to love someone who is being unlovable and to know when it is really time to stop trying or when you should keep pushing through it.

Kristen said...

Kelli,

I just received the little outfit and diapers today--and it was so beautifully wrapped! Thank you! Alyssa is going to look lovely in it. It is amazing to me that someone I don't know (in person) would care enough to send a gift to me. Thanks for being my long-distance friend!

Kelli said...

Thanks, Becky! *Hugs back* :)

Kristen- Yes, I've recently witnessed TWO marriages dissolve because of "God". I am still trying to figure out why their God is so different than mine. Normally, he doesn't seem to be. But in this situation, he DEFINITELY is. Hmmm.

Sandra- The knowing when to stop or keep pushing through is EXACTLY where I am with my sister. One day I want to keep trying with her, the next I want to say forget it, go live your life however the hell you want. It's hard. We've never had a good relationship anyway, but it's worse than ever right now. I'm comforted to know others understand.