Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Icicles

I'm fearful, but I don't want to be. I'm asking, asking, asking not to be, but I am. I have been doing really well with not dwelling on the unknown, but at times, it still gets me. Always, always when I least expect it. When things are at their best, something hits me. Something reminds me of the unknowns in my life. My kids, my mom, our housing...

My mom goes in for her first appointment with the oncologist tomorrow at 2:00. Against my better judgment, I looked up a few things on the tumors they found. Of course, the result was exactly what I had figured-fear. I found horrible things. Depressing things. Nothing hopeful, at all. So now I am remembering that my hope is not in statistics, it is not in other people's stories, it is especially not in what I read on the internet. It is in the only one whom can handle all these worries of mine. Carl always tells me to stop googling things. I get too worried, too worked up. There is no one around to answer my questions after I read that I probably have a rare bone disorder because of my headache, or that Avery could quite possibly be suffering dwarfism because she is small, rather than I simply have had too much caffeine and my daughter is just a petite little girl. So I had better go back to my don't-google-my-worries philosophy.

I am longing for sunshine. I am jealous of everyone out there living in warm environments. I used to love snow. I don't know what has happened to me! Over the last two years, I seem to live for summer, fall, and spring. Anything but Montana winter. It makes me wonder how long I can live in a place with such long, cold, dreary seasons. I need to take my children for a walk without bundling them for an hour beforehand, only to realize that they now need naps and we won't be going anywhere. I need some exercise! I need warmth. But, I will have to settle for throwing another stick of wood on the fire, because there appears to be no warmth in my future. At least, not for another six or seven months.

2 comments:

Becky said...

Yes, yes, stop googling things if you can. I probably could not, because my brain works like this -- if I worry about it, it won't be true.
we'll keep praying.
Montana winters - ugh. The only good thing about them is the baking, oh and hot chocolate.

Weaver said...

We are still praying for your mom and your family as well. We hope to see you even if it's brief sometime while we're home next week. We sure miss you.
Love,
Em & Jonathan