Monday, July 28, 2008

Anxious No More

So, I know I've mentioned my anxiety issues in the past. I've always had issues with it, but have always thought that once ______ was over (insert current life circumstances), I'd get over it. Things would get better/easier, the attacks would subside, the headaches would go away, etc. However, they have not. In fact, they have gotten worse. For quite some time now, I've been considering looking into medication of some sort. I tried a couple of homeopathic things over the last several months to no avail, and finally broke down and went to see a doctor today. I don't really have a regular doctor, other than a nurse practitioner I went to once years ago. I called her office, only to be informed that she was no longer with that office and they didn't know how I could reach her. So, I decided to head into our urgent care clinic, since they don't require an appointment and my parents were available to watch the kids today. As soon as they got here, off I went.

The entire drive to town I had butterflies in my stomach. I felt such a mixture of emotions; fear, nervousness, shame, failure, worry... the list goes on. Although I have never felt there was any problem with other people taking medication for something like anxiety, I didn't ever truly consider it for myself. So once I realized that I had to do something about the fact that I was getting close to selling my kids on eBay, (no, seriously-it was that or putting them in daycare permanently) and I couldn't get through breakfast with them without bawling my eyes out, while my heart nearly pounded out of my chest and my head felt like it was about to explode... well, that was when I realized I needed something MORE. More than just new resolve each morning. More than getting out of the house a few nights a week. 

So, I went. I waited. (An hour and a half to be exact.)

And I got to see the best doctor I've ever seen. Seriously, I feel like I had a mini therapy session today! She was a young mom as well, completely understood feeling like you can't cope at times, and recommended trying a generic (we have no insurance) anti-anxiety medication. If I don't like it, or it doesn't work, I can try something else or just bag in altogether. So, I left with much relief, as well as hope, that things really will get better.

I completely realize that talking about this may not be the best idea... I know a lot of people are very against medications of this sort. But, I also want to be honest about what's going on in my life. That's what this blog if for, and it just so happens that my being on the verge of a mental breakdown are the current events in my life. So, there you have it. I am now a part of the millions of Americans relying on drugs to get through life. But, I am hoping that it will enable me to do just that: get through life. And actually, I want more than that. I want to enjoy it in the midst of all that is going on. 

So here's to being open and honest with the internet. Think what you may - you don't have to live with me!


Nancy and Tom said...

And the next day you got your period, right? No, it doesn't always work that easy. You have an overwhelming job with 3 kids. As they become more self-sufficient, it will, hopefully, get easier and not too much crazier. You have so much you want to accomplish and I worry that it will overwhelm you.Our prayers are with all of you. Nancy

cv said...

I am a huge fan of modern pharmacology. Doctors don't any longer have to cut our arms open, bore holes in our head to let the demons out, or burn patterns into our skin hoping to drive out whatever is wrong with us. It's not always just as simple as 'take a pill get a new outlook on life', but sometimes our brain chemicals just need a bit of help to get us out of a bad pattern of behavior.
I have longer term issues. I've been on one antidepressant or another for 15 years. My mother, and my grandmother have also taken them or REALLY REALLY SHOULD HAVE taken them.

What we have as women now is not new, but we have new weapons to help us. Avail yourself not only of medication, but also allow yourself to not be perfect, and not be everything to everyone. That's the honest with everyone who isn't on the internet part.

Kristen said...

I agree with CV (as usual)--and as a child of someone who has taken antidepressents and anti-anxiety meds, I think they are often a godsend. Thanks for your courage--both to post this, and to do this for yourself and your family.

McMom said...

I too agree with CV!!! AND she was with me through a difficult time when I had to take both antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication. I don't take anything now but I did for a season. Modern medicen is wonderful and if you need something take it!

aola said...

In my experience it is mostly the religious people that I've known who have anything negative to say about taking meds to help depression/anxiety... they are idiots.

Take you meds sweetie and feel better :)

Personally I just don't like taking prescription medications if I can avoid it (the whole nature girl thing..)on days where I am really stressed I take 5HTP and St Johns Wort but if it did not do the trick I would go see Dr. Jeff at our clinic and get something that did.

and, of course, CV is right on as always!

Sandra said...

I agree with CV, Kristen, and A. I encouraged my mom to start on medication and it made a world of difference for her.
If I ever felt I needed it, I'd take something in an instant.
Good for you for doing what you need.

Kelli said...

Thanks to everyone for the great amount of supportive comments. I am already feeling SO MUCH better. No more heart pounding, lack of breath, major headache episodes, which is a huge relief! If I had known I could feel this much better from something so simple, I'd have looked into it long ago!

cv said...

I'm so glad that the medicine is helping! It's not weakness or lack of character, it's a seratonin malfunction and you just needed to get your seratonin straightened out.

I'm glad you are on the mend!